I’m losing my wife and kids

I heard a story the other day from someone who took the Couple Checkup and found out his marriage was categorized as “Devitalized.”  This husband, (let’s call him Dave), didn’t know what to do.  Recalling the first time he saw his Checkup results, he said, “I knew we were having some difficulties – but nothing like this.  We agreed on two questions in the whole Checkup.  I’m scared, man. I’m losing my wife and kids.”

Dave was suddenly aware of all those things his wife had been  “complaining” about for the previous six months:

“We don’t spend enough time together.”

“You’re not listening to me.”

“The kids never know when you’re gonna snap at them.”

“I feel like I can’t talk to you.”

These weren’t just complaints from his wife.  These were the words of a wife that loved her husband and wanted to get through to him.  She wanted Dave to know she loved him, but something was preventing their marriage from moving forward like it had in the past.

Maybe you’re in the same boat.  Maybe you hear these same sentiments from your spouse.  Maybe you took the Checkup and you’re “Devitalized.”  What are you going to do?

Let me tell you what Dave did.  First and foremost, he decided to take action.  Maybe you’ve been riding the fence for a long time, waiting for your relationship stuff to magically get better.  That will never happen.  You have to take intentional steps to get to where you want your relationship to be.  Start now.

Next, Dave took the Checkup to two people that he knew would help him.   He went to a mentor in his place of worship, and he took his results to a counselor he’d seen before.  Getting over this speed bump in his marriage was something Dave knew he’d need help on.  He’d tried too long to go it on his own, and it wasn’t working.  He needed outside eyes on the situation so he could make the best progress.  Do you have somebody you can trust to help you work through your Checkup – a friend with a strong marriage, a mentor, a pastor, a coach, a counselor?  Find this person and utilize their help and expertise.

Dave also began to study what good relationships really look like.  He read the Couple Checkup book, based on research with 50,000 couples.  He used the exercises from the Couple Checkup Discussion Guide, included free with his initial report.  He read books on marriage, on controlling his anger, on how to be a better dad.  He became an armchair marriage expert.  What resources do you have at your fingertips to be a better spouse?  Use them.

Lastly, Dave kept at it.  He didn’t give up.  Letting his relationship slide into the Devitalized zone didn’t happen overnight, so getting out of that funk doesn’t happen overnight, either.  Dave has been working hard at his marriage for the past six months.   While life isn’t perfect, Dave says, his marriage is “ten times better than it was when we first did the Checkup.”  By taking a few small, intentional steps in the right direction, Dave and his wife are on a path they’re both happy with now.  And that fear of losing his wife and kids?  It’s a fading memory.