The most popular song on the radio right now is an Eminem and Rihanna song called “I love the way you lie”. Rihanna’s sweetly sings the chorus, “Just gonna stand there and watch me burn; well that’s alright because I like the way it hurts; Just gonna stand there and hear me cry; Well that’s alright because I love the way you lie”. I hear this song everywhere. It won the best rap/hip-hop track at the Teen Choice Awards 2010 and is currently #1 for the 7th consecutive week on the US Billboard Hot 100 songs. I hate to admit I like this song and so does every kid I have asked from age 9-19. The chorus is catchy and melodic and tends to linger in your head.
Last night my 18-year-old son and I watched the video together because I wanted to hear what he believes the message to be. The video depicts a couple (played by actors Dominic Monaghan and Megan Fox) slapping and hitting each other, breaking things, (she) spitting in his face, interspersed with passionate kissing while a house is burning down in the background. The most disturbing words from my son were, “They love each other so much that they act crazy sometimes”.
The cycle of abuse and breakdown of the relationship is too nuanced and overshadowed by the erotic nature of this song/video for most teens to empathize. A neighbor friend and mother told me her 13-year-old noted surprise that Rihanna would be involved in this song considering her bruised face (by then-boyfriend and singer Chris Brown) made news headlines a year ago. Eminem raps about how he apologies after hitting his girlfriend but then goes on to say, “I know I’m a liar; if she ever tries to leave me again I’m gonna tie her to the bed and set the house on fire”.
This couple’s dysfunction and abuse would certainly show up in background questions and interactional patterns assessed in PREPARE/ENRICH and the Couple Checkup. And yet professionals are trained to refer-out to a specialist if abuse is outside of their expertise because relationship abuse requires specialized intervention. The easy misinterpretations of this song remind me that freedom always requires responsibility. Those whose work impacts the emotions and lives of others must be acutely aware of their influence, capabilities and limits. Eminem uses freedom of expression and I am sure he considers himself professional and has been rewarded and acknowledged for his artistic talent which reaches a lot of people, particularly youth. I can’t help but feel annoyed when people choose to use their freedom without responsibility. The title of this song can very well be the sarcastic commentary on the song as I don’t love the way it lies because passion is not love, love does not hurt and women do not enjoy being hurt.
I’d like to say that while talking about the issue of domestic violence is the first step in trying to create awareness, it is equally important to communicate the message within a context that can positively educate those who are not particularly aware of the issue. I think the questions we need to ask regarding the Eminem/Rihana production are:
1. What message does a person in an abusive relationship gets from the song? Will it give people strength to cope with challenges or make a change in their lives?
2. What about someone who is not directly affected by domestic violence? Will this person be more aware of the issue because of the song?
3. Finally, are these two major recording artists/celebrities using their influence to make a positive difference?
One band that addresses all these questions is the Celtic-rock band Apsylon. They’ve not only written a song that addresses the seriousness of domestic violence, but they also put their money where their mouth is. They are not a major recording artist, but an independent group that donates part of their album sales to two organizations that deal with domestic violence and teen dating abuse. I wish we would hear more about artists like Apsylon (www.apsylon.com/lena) who truly are trying to make a positive difference.
Anyway, that’s just my two cents; thanks for reading.
One thing about it there is many kinds of abuse mental and physical and the only difference is you cant really see the mental abuse so what are the ones of us who are dealing with this kind of situation supposed to do about it??
Paulette, Mental abuse IS abuse and in fact often accompanies physical abuse or escalates to eventually include physical abuse. The fact that you recognize mental abuse in your relationship is commendable, as often it is dismissed by both the victim and perpetrator or unrecognized altogether because it escalates slowly and is mixed in with loving behaviors too. This topic is personal to me as well as I was in a relationship for that I did not identify as abusive, until he “joked” about how he could kill me and no one would suspect it was him. Here is a link to the National Abuse hotline (available 24 hours): http://www.thehotline.org/ You may call and speak anonymously with a counselor here for specific advice. Keep asking questions and reaching out to others. Best wishes, Amy
P.S. Thank you, Victoria, for the introduction to Apsylon.
i think of it more as an awareness of the sick relationships out there and at the end Megan treats the issues as if its a dream.. she wants to get out but keeps getting sucked in and stays when Dominic kisses her because it gives her the feeling that he wants her and it will get better. She knows she needs out but he’s manipulating her to stay. I also agree that if a man were to “tie her to a bed and set the house on fire” in a literal sense that she needs to get the buck up out of there. This song is really catchy and i find myself singing it and trying to learn the lyrics, but i also see myself laugh and hope i never get into a relationship like that (again). Its not a good song but with many of Eminem’s songs i like to find the subliminal message and laugh when i find out hes addressing issues out there that people aren’t serious enough about…