The passing of one calendar year and beginning of another, forces us to reflect on what has been and what we hope to be. Crowded gyms are proof that for many, improved physical health is a goal put into action. But the reality is that by February or March, those who dislike crowds can return to their quieted gyms. Why are we predictably short-sighted about creating the goals we determine we want to achieve?
“Yesterday, everybody smoked their last cigar, took their last drink and swore their last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever” —Mark Twain
An annual inventory of our lives is a great idea but it is not enough. For the couple relationship, we recommend a formal proactive inventory such as the Couple Checkup on an annual basis, but it is the day-to-day practices that allow your intention for a great relationship to unfold and blossom. For resolutions to be successful, we need to connect to the intention and practice it daily. January is a perfect time of year to turn our attention to our relationship with intention and consciousness through a ‘daily dialogue’. Daily dialogue is just setting aside a few minutes to each reflect on 3 questions together, “What did I like about our relationship today?”, “What did I dislike?”, and “What can I do to make it better?”
The simplicity of the questions lie in the fact that they create discussion about the relationship—something rare but important for individual validation and couple growth. (Click here for tips on speaking and listening from the Couple Checkup).
Bringing this practice of reflection and vision into your relationship daily may have unsuspecting positive rewards. Communication is the most predictive dynamic that discriminates between happily married and unhappily married couples. And numerous studies have shown a strong connection between happily married couples and individual physical health, including stronger immune systems and cardiovascular health–no gym membership required.
Great article, the 3 questions are a great way to check up on your relationship. I am going to be using this in my marriage prep. Great idea for a magnet for my fridge for both of us.
Amy: the three questions intrigue me. The first obviously focuses on what is good about us as a couple and celebrates it. The second gets at the stuff that rubs us the wrong way. Yet if we have the courage to say it and hear it, we can be more careful/intentional about what complicates the relationship. The third question directs our attention back to what we personally can do or offer to address relational difficulties rather than telling our mate what they can do differently. There seems to be breathing room in question three to formulate one’s own contribution in solving couple problems rather than just acquiescing or dictating. Thanks for your post and the ideas. Arden Kinser
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