A friend recently commented that her husband took her to the Mall of America on their first date for a shopping and dining excursion. She now calls this “false advertising” because he hates to shop and will no longer join her on such outings.
This made me think back to my first date with my wife, Heather. Am I guilty of false advertising too? Considering that we went out for a nice dinner and then went to a play, I have to admit I too may be guilty as charged. As her birthday neared, I planned a full week of dates and a gift each day! Wow, I gave her the impression that I plan extravagant dates and events with money as no obstacle. The problem is that nothing could be further from the truth.
We still go on dates, but we don’t do fancy dinner, bottles of wine, and the theatre all in the same date. Basically, I’m quite frugal (you might say “cheap”) and eating out at fancy places and ordering $7 glasses of wine does just not jive with our budget. We sometimes find ourselves watching the clock and wondering how much we’ll have to pay the babysitter on top of the evening’s expenses. As for birthdays, we celebrate and exchange gifts, but we now laugh about the whole birthday week. Yes, I’m guilty of false advertising. In our everyday married life, the criteria for making decisions is quite different than it was 16 years ago as young singles.
Looking around, it is clear I’m not the only one who is guilty of false advertising; this is basically how the game is played in our culture. On some level it must be instinctual – don’t many creatures in the animal world have flashy behavior and rituals they pull out to attract a mate? Like some silly bird hoping around and showing off their brightest feathers, we go out of our way to impress and woo the objects of our affection. We pull out all the stops and spare no expense. But after the rings have been placed on the fingers and the honeymoon is over, the realities of life set in. Busy schedules, stressful jobs, constricted budgets and demanding children bring reality crashing down.
So what’s the lesson here? As a premarital therapist, I know the greater the distance between unrealistic expectations and reality, the greater the disappointment and frustration will be. When taking premarital couples through PREPARE/ENRICH, we always spend time talking about idealism and unrealistic expectations. It is important for couples to ask themselves how much false advertising has impacted their expectations. They are encouraged to be as real with one another as possible.
For married couples, the challenge is to step up our game. Don’t settle into a life that leaves no room or energy to invest in our marriage. While it may be inevitable that we can’t deliver on all the false advertising that took place during courtship, we can certainly make our marriage a priority and surprise our spouses with something special or romantic from time to time. Better yet, build in some ongoing routines, such as a date night, that will allow you to sustain a thriving marriage.
Who knows, I may need to plan another birthday week this year!
Good article. Sometimes during a marital therapy session, I will have the husband tell me about their first few dates and when he knew he was falling in love. I do that because it usually brings warm emotions into the room and the wife benefits from hearing it. Now I will have to figure out when to incorporate the “false advertising” aspect!
Peter, I think you could find a way to plan a frugal birthday week. How about a sunrise walk with coffee from your home coffee maker? A mix-CD from your existing iTunes? A card listing 10 of your favorite couple moments from the past year? You can do it!
Does this imply that the secret to success in a relationship is to continue lying. Wouldn’t it be better to move past these issues, focus on common interests and view points, and use them to strengthen an ongoing relationship. Instead of re-visiting old lies, focus on new truths.
Peter – I enjoyed your article and have suggested regular date nights to clients in the past. Due to the current concern regarding finances for many, specifically for newlyweds, pointing out frugal ways of enjoying “special” quality time with each other is always of interest. Mary provided some excellent ways of doing this as well. I was just speaking with a wife who is currently separated from her husband after only two years of marriage (and one toddler) who was discussing some ways that she had tried to regain her husband’s interest. One very good idea (or so I thought) that goes along with Mary’s technique of having the husband recall their first few dates and the moment that he realized he was falling in love was to review the couple’s wedding pictures and discuss their feelings at the time for specific photos. I thought this was an excellent suggestion and plan to use it in the future. I also have a prepared list of ideas for “inexpensive” date nights that couples can pick up if interested.
Renee Sullivan, M.A., CCLC
Macon, GA
A better title would be “Living for the sake of others”. There is nothing wrong in doing something that one does not particularly like simply to please the other person. It means that one is willing to go beyond the comfort zone simply to make someone else happy.
This makes me think of the show The Bachelor. My husband often remarks that it’s no wonder all those women fall in love with one guy – he takes them on helicopter rides, dinners on mountain summits, Hawaiian vacations – all during the dating period! Then the proposal happens, and they get a huge, expensive, designer ring and TV air time and invitations on talk shows … then, the couple gets home and the cameras leave them alone, and the relationship fails. Maybe they should rename the show, “Extreme False Advertising!”