We have written before about problems with the romantic notion of feeling “completed” by a partner-a “better half”-someone who makes us feel whole. If we show up in a relationship feeling incomplete, what may at first feel like “finding a missing piece”, eventually becomes a burden to the other person and an opportunity-in-waiting for the “needy” partner to feel let down by the one who holds those missing pieces. Clinical professional counselor, author, and PREPARE/ENRICH facilitator, Dr. Victoria Fleming, just released a book called, “You Complete Me and Other Myths that Destroy Happily Ever After”. Her book uses case examples and exercises to explore ten common myths in relationships. “You complete me” is the first myth, and Dr. Fleming walks readers through a process of self-exploration that emphasizes personal responsibility rather than the passive and destructive notion of being completed by a partner. She cleverly asserts that the “You complete me” myth comes down to mathematics-specifically that ½ + ½ = 1. And, unless we are content to end up with one person, we should not use addition as a way to think about creating a healthy relationship. She explains, “You complete me only works if one partner is willing to surrender their half entirely, and humans don’t work that way. Each person needs to be complete and strive to be whole. It’s dynamic. Simply put, if we’re going to equate relationships to mathematics we have to use multiplication. If I need your half and you need mine, we are each trying to take from the other, and we both end up with less than when we started.

½ x ½ = ¼

Notice, too, that even if we start with one, healthy, whole person, when paired with someone less than whole, the result is less than one.

1 x ½ = ½

This equation doesn’t exist in the real world, because a genuinely whole person wouldn’t choose a life mate who isn’t whole. Many people think they are whole, but their truth is revealed by their choices. A person chooses a life partner who “needs fixing” because they derive self-worth through helping others, or they choose a controlling person because they want to avoid taking personal responsibility for themselves or their actions. The bottom line is: If I am looking for the rest of me within someone else, I am setting myself and my relationship up for failure.” (pp.1-2).

For more information on the book go to www.mythsaboutmarriage.com

Victoria Fleming, Ph.D., is an educator, author, and clinician. She received her undergraduate degree from Marquette University and graduate degrees from Indiana University. She was on the faculty at Miami University and Northwestern University before retiring from academia to pursue a full time clinical practice in the northern suburbs of Chicago, where she lives with her husband and two children.

I used to love watching football when I was in college and often wore my orange and blue jersey as a statement of allegiance to my favorite team-the Denver Broncos.  I find the whole culture of football now a bit silly; how with jingoist fervor we choose a team with whom to invest our time, energies, and emotions.  As irrational as it may be, people actually feel sad when “their” team loses and happy when “their” team wins.  Linguist Noam Chomsky has spoken about how spectator sports divert people’s attention and intelligence from actual world issues to facts and statistics of a game.  His statement, “We shouldn’t be looking for heroes, we should be looking for ideas”, got me thinking about how football culture, if applied to couple relationships, provides some wonderful ideas that can enrich relationships.

It takes work and preparation

It is hard to look at any athlete who plays at a professional level, and not admire the hard work that got them to the place they are: commitment of time, physical and mental effort and endurance, sacrifices made to other areas of life.  A football player’s body is a massive, muscular emblem of dedication to fitness and hard work.

For a typical couple, the effort of getting to know one another (and romance one another) comes easily at the beginning stages.  But, like an athlete who ceases to train, couples who cease to give effort to their relationship, will experience the relational equivalent of muscle atrophy.

Evaluate

There was a “Cathy” cartoon years ago that depicted “Cathy” approaching her boyfriend “Irving” while he was in front of a television watching sports.  Cathy says, “You’ve watched the game, Irving…You watched six instant replays of every play…You watched the game sum-up, the game recap, the game highlights, and the game-in-review.  For eight hours you’ve analyzed every move of every player from every possible angle…now can we spend a couple of minutes talking about our relationship?”  Irving replies, “Again?  Isn’t that just like a woman to want to rehash everything?!”

Football coaches and teammates record, watch, and analyze each play so they can assess their strengths and weaknesses.  For couples, awareness is a necessary first step to making adjustments.  Assessment with Prepare/Enrich or Couple Checkup are great ways for couples to evaluate their strengths, discover “growth areas”, and use their strengths (as well as practiced relationship skills) to build on those growth areas.

Support your team

Individuals don’t win Super Bowls, teams do.  Relationships benefit greatly from a teamwork mentality.  When you and your partner experience little power struggles or feel the temptation to prove you are “right” during disagreement, remember that any loss of trust, respect, confidence, strength, or morale, will affect the relationship as a whole.  Just as one injured player can create a weak link in an entire football team, one injured partner weakens the relationship.

Have confidence in your resilience

It seems as though whenever a football player on a losing team is interviewed, they are rarely deflated or upset, but they speak confidently about how they will improve their strategies for the next game.  They speak with assurance that their teammates will be better prepared-both physically and mentally-and that they will employ better strategy, etc.

Research provides solid reasons for couples to employ this same confidence to the belief in their resilience.  In a  national survey of families and households conducted by sociologist Linda Waite, three-fifths of unhappily married couples who remained married, rated their marriages as either “very happy” or “quite happy” five years later.  Marital happiness, it turns out, is not a fixed concept, but has natural ups and downs throughout the life cycle.

Sometimes you will feel happy; other times you will not.

In football, you win some and you lose some. Your favorite football team will sometimes play well and sometimes play not as well (at least not as well as the opposing team).  It is also a reality of life that there will be joy and sorrow-expecting otherwise is just not realistic.  So remember, great relationships are the result of work and effort, assessment can help evaluate important aspects of your relationship, have confidence that bad times will not last, and don’t forget to support your teammate.  You can even wear your “I (heart) my marriage” t-shirt if you feel so inclined.

The passing of one calendar year and beginning of another, forces us to reflect on what has been and what we hope to be.  Crowded gyms are proof that for many, improved physical health is a goal put into action.  But the reality is that by February or March, those who dislike crowds can return to their quieted gyms. Why are we predictably short-sighted about creating the goals we determine we want to achieve?

“Yesterday, everybody smoked their last cigar, took their last drink and swore their last oath.  Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever” —Mark Twain

An annual inventory of our lives is a great idea but it is not enough.  For the couple relationship, we recommend a formal proactive inventory such as the Couple Checkup on an annual basis, but it is the day-to-day practices that allow your intention for a great relationship to unfold and blossom.  For resolutions to be successful, we need to connect to the intention and practice it daily. January is a perfect time of year to turn our attention to our relationship with intention and consciousness through a ‘daily dialogue’.  Daily dialogue is just setting aside a few minutes to each reflect on 3 questions together, “What did I like about our relationship today?”, “What did I dislike?”, and “What can I do to make it better?”

The simplicity of the questions lie in the fact that they create discussion about the relationship—something rare but important for individual validation and couple growth.  (Click here for tips on speaking and listening from the Couple Checkup).

Bringing this practice of reflection and vision into your relationship daily may have unsuspecting positive rewards.  Communication is the most predictive dynamic that discriminates between happily married and unhappily married couples.  And numerous studies have shown a strong connection between happily married couples and individual physical health, including stronger immune systems and cardiovascular health–no gym membership required.