“It’s the most objective form of information I have for my interviews. It saves me hours of interviewing time, and I like it because it’s positive . . . I wouldn’t do an adoption without one.”

While no relationship is perfect, it is important to place adopted children in homes with healthy role models and stable relationships. PREPARE/ENRICH provides a wealth of information on each individual, their relationship, and their background.

Recognizing the value of using the inventory in this way, several modifications and additions have been made. Two existing scales, Personal Stress and Commitment, have been modified. Additionally, three new scales have been developed for couples preparing to adopt: Adoption Considerations, Adoption Expectations, and Adoptive Parenting. The pre-adoption content is specifically designed to identify unrealistic expectations about adoption and create opportunities for healthy dialogue as couples prepare to bring an adopted child into their family system.

Certified PREPARE/ENRICH facilitators can contact customer service to activate their access to the Pre-Adoption Version.

This made me think back to my first date with my wife, Heather. Am I guilty of false advertising too? Considering that we went out for a nice dinner and then went to a play, I have to admit I too may be guilty as charged. As her birthday neared, I planned a full week of dates and a gift each day! Wow, I gave her the impression that I plan extravagant dates and events with money as no obstacle. The problem is that nothing could be further from the truth.

We still go on dates, but we don’t do fancy dinner, bottles of wine, and the theatre all in the same date. Basically, I’m quite frugal (you might say “cheap”) and eating out at fancy places and ordering $7 glasses of wine does just not jive with our budget. We sometimes find ourselves watching the clock and wondering how much we’ll have to pay the babysitter on top of the evening’s expenses. As for birthdays, we celebrate and exchange gifts, but we now laugh about the whole birthday week. Yes, I’m guilty of false advertising. In our everyday married life, the criteria for making decisions is quite different than it was 16 years ago as young singles.

Looking around, it is clear I’m not the only one who is guilty of false advertising; this is basically how the game is played in our culture. On some level it must be instinctual – don’t many creatures in the animal world have flashy behavior and rituals they pull out to attract a mate? Like some silly bird hoping around and showing off their brightest feathers, we go out of our way to impress and woo the objects of our affection. We pull out all the stops and spare no expense. But after the rings have been placed on the fingers and the honeymoon is over, the realities of life set in. Busy schedules, stressful jobs, constricted budgets and demanding children bring reality crashing down.

So what’s the lesson here? As a premarital therapist, I know the greater the distance between unrealistic expectations and reality, the greater the disappointment and frustration will be. When taking premarital couples through PREPARE/ENRICH, we always spend time talking about idealism and unrealistic expectations. It is important for couples to ask themselves how much false advertising has impacted their expectations. They are encouraged to be as real with one another as possible.

For married couples, the challenge is to step up our game. Don’t settle into a life that leaves no room or energy to invest in our marriage. While it may be inevitable that we can’t deliver on all the false advertising that took place during courtship, we can certainly make our marriage a priority and surprise our spouses with something special or romantic from time to time. Better yet, build in some ongoing routines, such as a date night, that will allow you to sustain a thriving marriage.

Who knows, I may need to plan another birthday week this year!

Approximately 5 years ago, however, Life Innovations introduced another assessment tool called the Couple Checkup. It is not uncommon for facilitators to be confused by this new inventory, and they are not sure of the differences between the two. As we’ve conducted trainings around the country, I’ve begun to explain the differences between the two by using the analogy of a prescription strength versus an over the counter assessment tool.

PREPARE/ENRICH = Prescription Strength
Just like certain medications, which require a prescription from a doctor, PREPARE/ENRICH can only be accessed through a trained facilitator. Facilitators register couples to take their inventory, and facilitators receive all of the assessment results in their online account. Couples must meet with their facilitator to get feedback and go through several couple exercises designed to teach proven relationship skills. PREPARE/ENRICH is more in-depth and does not shy away from difficult topics such as abuse, substance abuse, and pornography. Click here for a brief video overview (3 minutes) of the Customized Version of PREPARE/ENRICH.

Couple Checkup = Over the Counter
The Couple Checkup, however, can be accessed directly by couples. It is found at www.couplecheckup.com and any couple (18 or older) can create their own account, complete the assessment, and gain immediate access to their results and a Discussion Guide. The Couple Checkup report is designed to be comprehensive, but understandable and user-friendly for someone who’s not been trained to use an inventory. The assessment is about 30% shorter than PREPARE/ENRICH and does not delve into issues which might overwhelm or confuse couples. Still, the core content is taken from the research-based PREPARE/ENRICH inventory and studies have already demonstrated significant improvements for couples who take the Checkup on their own, or as part of a group program.

Because it requires less administrative oversight, facilitators gravitate towards the Couple Checkup when leading a group or conducting an enrichment campaign for married couples. Click here to see how easy it is for couples to set up their own Checkup account.

I’m reminded of Hagrid, the lovable giant from Harry Potter, who is known for blurting out too much information and then quickly realizing, “I shouldn’t have said that.” Time and time again, he reveals too much information to those around him, often with real consequences.

Do you ever feel that way in your relationship?

I shouldn’t have said that . . . to him or her.

I shouldn’t have said that . . . about my spouse.

I shouldn’t have said that . . . with so much negativity.

The things people say (or don’t say) have the power to determine the life or death of their marriage.

Our own research clearly demonstrates that communication is the category that most powerfully predicts martial success. In looking at sample of 50,000 couples who took PREPARE/ENRICH, we found that healthy couples do several things well in the area of communication:

1. They share their feelings with one another
2. They listen to one another in a way that demonstrates understanding and care
3. They ask for what they want
4. They don’t refuse to discuss difficult issues
5. They don’t make comments that put one another down

When we communicate in these ways, it brings life to a relationship. When compared to unhappy couples, happy couples are six times more likely to feel very satisfied with how they communicate.

When couples don’t communicate in these ways, their relationship suffers and is much more susceptible to break-up or divorce. Often, the biggest challenge is keeping the tongue in check, and simply being a good listener. It doesn’t take much to derail a conversation and turn it from a productive life giving experience into something negative or damaging.

The good news about communication is that it is a skill that can be learned! See the Couple Checkup or PREPARE/ENRICH Program for great tips and exercises on learning better communication.

The somewhat orthodox explanation of this relationship is that married men have healthier lifestyles than single men due to women’s nurturing natures.  Women also typically take on more of the work related to household and children, leaving less personal time for exercise.  The newest study with this theme is from Ohio State University which found that large, potentially risky, weight gains are more likely for women after marriage and for men after divorce.   

My week has “weighed” in on this premise, not in terms of divorce but physical separation.  My husband and daughters were overseas last week visiting family and I was home with our teenage son.  As we were eating dinner one night I was trying to explain to our son and account for the extra time I felt I had.  He thought cooking smaller quantities for meals saves time. I know that I definitely spent less time in the car and the kitchen and was more active, mixing social time with activities like tennis and walks. 

My husband, on the other hand, told me they had been eating a lot and he was looking forward to getting home to a routine that includes more physical activity.  Yesterday was their first day home which began with a morning run together and many activities, including a lot of cooking and, for me in particular, eating.  As “head chef” in our household, I do most of the sampling to taste.   I don’t remember ever being hungry yesterday and I was not even hungry when I woke this morning.  My daughters and husband so thoughtfully brought me a dress from my favorite little Parisian boutique.  Since this shop does not use traditional European sizes, our daughter chose the size based on how she knows our bodies compare.  The dress is a little too big for me so I hung it in my closet.  I figure that in a week or two it should fit just perfectly.