“The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.”
A PREPARE/ENRICH facilitator posted the Proverb above on our Facebook page last week and I was struck by just how true this is in life and relationships.

I’m reminded of Hagrid, the lovable giant from Harry Potter, who is known for blurting out too much information and then quickly realizing, “I shouldn’t have said that.” Time and time again, he reveals too much information to those around him, often with real consequences.

Do you ever feel that way in your relationship?

I shouldn’t have said that . . . to him or her.

I shouldn’t have said that . . . about my spouse.

I shouldn’t have said that . . . with so much negativity.

The things people say (or don’t say) have the power to determine the life or death of their marriage.

Our own research clearly demonstrates that communication is the category that most powerfully predicts martial success. In looking at sample of 50,000 couples who took PREPARE/ENRICH, we found that healthy couples do several things well in the area of communication:

1. They share their feelings with one another
2. They listen to one another in a way that demonstrates understanding and care
3. They ask for what they want
4. They don’t refuse to discuss difficult issues
5. They don’t make comments that put one another down

When we communicate in these ways, it brings life to a relationship. When compared to unhappy couples, happy couples are six times more likely to feel very satisfied with how they communicate.

When couples don’t communicate in these ways, their relationship suffers and is much more susceptible to break-up or divorce. Often, the biggest challenge is keeping the tongue in check, and simply being a good listener. It doesn’t take much to derail a conversation and turn it from a productive life giving experience into something negative or damaging.

The good news about communication is that it is a skill that can be learned! See the Couple Checkup or PREPARE/ENRICH Program for great tips and exercises on learning better communication.

Before his days on the Tonight Show, I heard Jay Leno’s standup comedy at a local university.  He quoted a statistic just released that married men live longer than single men but that single women live longer than married women.  He joked that men should present something like a dowry before asking for a woman’s hand in marriage and explain, “This is for the life I am going to suck out of you”.  This joke still cracks me up after all these years-years where I have remained interested in the relationship between marriage and health/longevity. 

The somewhat orthodox explanation of this relationship is that married men have healthier lifestyles than single men due to women’s nurturing natures.  Women also typically take on more of the work related to household and children, leaving less personal time for exercise.  The newest study with this theme is from Ohio State University which found that large, potentially risky, weight gains are more likely for women after marriage and for men after divorce.   

My week has “weighed” in on this premise, not in terms of divorce but physical separation.  My husband and daughters were overseas last week visiting family and I was home with our teenage son.  As we were eating dinner one night I was trying to explain to our son and account for the extra time I felt I had.  He thought cooking smaller quantities for meals saves time. I know that I definitely spent less time in the car and the kitchen and was more active, mixing social time with activities like tennis and walks. 

My husband, on the other hand, told me they had been eating a lot and he was looking forward to getting home to a routine that includes more physical activity.  Yesterday was their first day home which began with a morning run together and many activities, including a lot of cooking and, for me in particular, eating.  As “head chef” in our household, I do most of the sampling to taste.   I don’t remember ever being hungry yesterday and I was not even hungry when I woke this morning.  My daughters and husband so thoughtfully brought me a dress from my favorite little Parisian boutique.  Since this shop does not use traditional European sizes, our daughter chose the size based on how she knows our bodies compare.  The dress is a little too big for me so I hung it in my closet.  I figure that in a week or two it should fit just perfectly.

In 2006, the Longview Wellness Center, Inc. received a 5 year Healthy Marriage Demonstration Grant through the Association for Children and Families, Health and Human Services Department of the federal government. Longview is located in East Texas and served multiple rural counties through their grant programs.

Longview branded an approach known locally as the VOW Program, utilizing the PREPARE/ENRICH Inventories and feedback exercises from Life Innovations. The current sample consisted of 1070 couples reached over a five year period between 2006 and 2011 (62% were married and 38% were premarital couples). They targeted lower income Caucasian, African American, and Hispanic couples. The marriage education program was offered in both English and Spanish.

All couples completed the online PREPARE/ENRICH inventory and then worked with certified facilitators on a series of core feedback exercises emphasizing relationship skills building:

1. Sharing Strength and Growth Areas
2. Communication: Assertiveness and Active Listening
3. Ten Steps for Conflict Resolution
4. Financial Budgeting
5. Couple and Family Closeness & Flexibility
6. Personality SCOPE
7. Personal, Couple, and Family Goals

Based on the inventory results for each couple, facilitators also choose additional exercises based on the needs of each couple. These consisted of topics from the PREPARE/ENRICH Couple’s Workbook such as parenting, sexual expectations, leisure activities, roles, etc.

Couples met with facilitators one hour per week for 8 weeks to complete an 8-hour requirement. Facilitators consisted of trained mentor couples and VOW program staff hired under the grant. No professional counselors were used in the delivery of this marriage education program. Once finished with the 8 sessions, couples took the PREPARE/ENRICH inventory a second time as a post-test. The average time between pre and post testing was 84 days.

Pre-test scores revealed the majority of couples enrolled were struggling in their relationship. Just over 25% of couples were Devitalized and another 31% were Conflicted. It is notable that 56% of the couples reached through the VOW program had very low marital satisfaction and were at higher risk for divorce. About 19% of the couples were Conventional, demonstrating only moderate satisfaction and a need for improved communication and conflict resolution skills. The remaining 25% of couples fell into the Harmonious and Vitalized types, demonstrating higher marital satisfaction and healthy relationships. See Figure 1.

Figure 1: Pre-test Baseline Couple Types

Post-test changes in Couple Types demonstrate significant gains in relationship health and satisfaction. Only 5% of couples were Devitalized, down from 25% at the pre-test. Conflicted couples also decreased dramatically from 31% to 15% after completing the 8 week program. Combined, these two most at risk couple types (Devitalized and Conflicted) dropped from 56% to just 20%. Overall couple types improved to Conventional 24%, Harmonious 10%, and Vitalized 47%. It is notable that the most dramatic increase happened for Vitalized couples, representing the most healthy and vibrant relationship type. It increased from 20% to 47% for the post-test results. See Figure 2.

Figure 2: Pre and Post-test Comparisons of Couple Types

The program was independently delivered, and data independently collected by VOW staff in Longview, TX. It demonstrates the impressive impact of high quality marriage education delivered through the PREPARE/ENRICH Program. The data suggests that even at risk couples can make significant relationship improvements by taking an inventory, working with mentors/facilitators, and learning relationship skills.